Home > Healing Journey, Uncategorized > Opening my cans of worms

Opening my cans of worms

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So I have this paper to write as I’ve mentioned on here before and many of my readers know. Monday I set aside to write my paper. But ended up sleeping away a good percentage of the day. And so my paper did not get done. This is not like me. I mean, I’m good at procrastinating. But I am also good at writing papers and generally enjoy writing. The topic is somewhat interesting to me though admittedly I am not head over heals about it.

So what’s going on? Why can’t I write this darn paper and finish? wouldn’t it feel so good to accomplish this?

In a previous post, I talked about my aha moment in the group where I began to see another way of looking at my university experience and my unpredictable marks.

I am dealing with some pretty intense memories at the moment. Memories that I haven’t spoken a lot of. Memories of the abuse while in university. But worse – memories of the abuse while studying, while trying to write papers.

Each time I sit to write this paper, the memories become almost real. And sitting with these memories and feelings is so incredibly painful.

so i want to push them away. and anything that triggers them. So this paper, which has been weighing heavily on me, is also currently the source of me feeling dragged down in the past. Now amount of self talk or logic making is working at the moment.

This program has been opening all my cans of worms. And, like many other survivors, I have many. And I have closed them and put them in a shelf in the basement hoping to never touch them again. But here I am, with the help of skilled professionals and fellow survivors, opening them one by one.

And it is messy. I am messy.

the broken pieces of my life lay before me. I have done the hard work of opening the cans of worms. Now there is hard work ahead of piecing together my life after examining the brokenness.

So back to my paper. I’ve been told I can’t write it right now, that I have too much going on between the program, the upcoming appeal, anniversaries coming up of traumatic events, seeing two of my closest friends move away for a year or more, preparing to move myself.

I am stubborn and want to write this paper.

But the hard work that I am doing in my therapy program is preventing me from being able to be stubborn. And this is important work I need to do right now.

So the paper will have to wait. I am going to stop trying to write this paper for now. I have on my computer screen a picture of Yoda and the words “Do or do not. There is no try.” I have been ‘trying’ to write my paper for the five weeks I’ve been in this program which has amounted to only failure.

So I admit my brokenness and inability to write at this time due to working on healing. I admit my messiness and all the pieces of my life that feel like they are falling a part.

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  1. Gretchen
    May 23, 2012 at 6:00 am

    The “Force” is with you Elizabeth..and so are all of us. Sending love and thoughts of peace and joy your way.

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