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As some of my readers know, the past couple of weeks have been rather tulmultuous. The trauma therapy program is really intense. I am going into my last week. I have mixed feelings about it – on one hand, I don’t think I could handle another week of this intense work. On the other hand though, so many cans of worms have been emptied and there is no closure – growth, yes, but still much pain, and dare I say even more pain than when I began the program. Not that the pain wasn’t there before. Just now I feel it. One of the things I quickly recognized in the program is that I have spent most of my life since the abuse started disassociating from the world, from others, and from my own feelings. In group we talked about some of the benefits – really, it’s a brilliant way that the mind works: when facing trauma of any sorts and we can’t fight or take flight, our minds ‘escape’ the trauma that is occurring as a survival strategy.

There have been other times in life where that has been helpful. I remember when my brother D. was 2 or 3 and he had convulsions due to a high fever. He stopped breathing and my mom yelled to me to call 911. My mom was understandably extremely emotional while somehow I was able to put my feelings aside and make the call. In fact, the 911 operator said I needed to get my mom out of the room so that the operator could give me instructions without my mom being too emotionally involved to handle the situation. Another time dissociation was helpful was in court – I think if I felt the feelings to the fullest I never would have survived that week. Instead, I spoke out as matter-of-factly as I could. There are definite advantages to this amazing survival mechanism that the mind turns on. But there are disadvantages – for the feelings do come and often at inconvenient times. And often at seemingly inappropriate times. Take for example a couple of weeks ago I screamed when someone approached me from behind in my kitchen – someone I know and am very comfortable with in a place where I feel incredibly safe.

So one of my goals for the program is that I would learn to feel and not just think about the trauma. And this goal has been met. And I have been feeling feelings in intense ways. And the past couple of weeks, the intensity has been almost unbearable.

But tonight, I turn to music and Scripture and find hope. I am writing a reflection on Hosea 14 for our community’s summer reflection book and I am struck by God’s words: “I will heal their waywardness and love them freely” (vs 4). I am struck by how Israel continually rebelled against God, turned away to him and created gods from their culture, and how God continues to woo his people again and again and again.

And yet, God loves them freely. He loves me freely. He loves me whether I follow His ways or not. He knows that I cannot turn from my own waywardness by myself. And he loves me. He loves me today knowing that it won’t be long before I turn from him again. And he waits and woos me back into his arms.

I’m on a Martyn Joseph Kick and here is another one of his songs – Precious. And in these words, I hear God’s voice calling out to me.

They’ll try to take you and steal your heart/ They’ll try to make you something you aren’t/ You can be swept like sand on a beach, not out of reach/ Don’t let them drag you down, hold on.

Know that you are precious/ Know that you are precious/ Know that you are precious/ So precious

Empty smiles that speak and long for days gone by/ I feel the night is closing in, if you feel it too/ Let e wrap my arms safe close around you.


  1. June 2, 2012 at 11:57 pm

    Good luck in your healing. Facing the abuse that has happened is harder, sometimes it seems even harder than the abuse itself, but the outcome is well worth it. Continue to look to and lean on God – He will carry you through this tough time.

  2. June 3, 2012 at 8:34 am

    My hiding place is literally in God’s Word so I can empathize with you studying scripture for relief. We face battles daily, whether they be emotional, mental, spiritual or physical. But, there is hope, always in God. I’ve been struggling with several things in the past months and year touching in all areas of my life. Sometimes I can journey on and live every day normally. Other times the weight of those things make themselves known; it is then that I ask God for His grace and strength. Hard times are ever present but I’ve come to learn that God’s grace is truly sufficient. He’ll lend it to us to “get through” the roughest patches.

    It’s good to know that when we’re at our weakest, He’s there to bear the burdens. You are indeed very precious, I pray for God’s grace to cover you as you heal and that one day you’ll be at peace.

    God Bless, Rebecca

  3. Rascal
    June 8, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    Remember God never leaves us all alone. Always turn to him in good times and in bad times. Yes we do have a forgiving God and that’s the beauty to have him around at all times. You are doing good work in yourself and the journey you are on can be hard at times. Don’t give up that tough fight you can do it. I will be praying for you. All the best.

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