In your love my salvation lies

Image

I had a dream that I stood beneath an orange sky

with my brother standing by

I said “Brother you know I know

It’s been a long road we’ve been walking on.”

I had a dream that I stood beneath an orange sky

with my sister standing by

I said, “here is what i know now sister”

 

In Your love, my salvation lies

In Your love, my salvation lies

– Orange Sky by Alexi Murdoch

I’ve been working hard on my paper (it’s almost done! I should have a draft done before I end the night and I think it’s a pretty good paper so hopefully there won’t be too much editing to do). My focus in the paper is the necessity of silence that monastic communities preserve for ministry today, especially in a world of distractions and constant noise. I was reflecting on the passage where Christ is baptized and named by God as His beloved Son in whom He is well pleased. I noticed that this passage came directly before Christ went into the desert to be tempted by the evil one. It seems to me that Christ knew in a very deep way God’s love and that this love enabled him to resist the evil one and prepare for ministry.

Today I’ve had the attention span of a gnat. I think this comes from having a billion things on my mind and wanting to sort everything out this very moment. This morning, in conversation with my psychiatrist, and then spending the rest of the day reflecting on all that has happened in the past week, I came to a sense of peace and strength in figuring out a direction for my life. I am super excited about this and even more excited that I’m finally on a path where my dreams could become reality. I’ve been slowly coming to realize over the past few months that a Masters of Divinity is not going to prepare me for the kind of work I feel called to do. But I have some hurdles to overcome. My academic life has not been ‘normal’. Due to circumstances, it took me 9 years to complete my undergraduate degree. My marks are all over the map – they make sense when you consider the abuse was still happening during my first three years of university and that I was taking a full course load at the time of the trial. By fluke, I was able to start my masters while trying to complete my undergraduate degree. While I’ve had excellent marks, I’ve started and stopped courses a couple of times. So I was easily distracted today trying find ways to make my goals reality – another new thing for me is that I now believe that if I am pursuing what God wants me to pursue and if I am determined, then somehow there is a way.

Anyways, a roundabout way of saying that I’ve been pretty distracted from my paper. In thinking through the passage I mentioned and about my healing journey, I was also reflecting today on how God’s love in my life has been powerful for change. I landed myself in the hospital earlier this year and made some pretty bad choices, hitting rock bottom in many ways. And to my surprise, met God there. Actually, I remember two days of having my life flash before my eyes with knowledge beyond any doubt that God was watching this ‘video’ with me. He saw all my ugliness and brokenness. And He remained with me. Reminds me of the song ‘Everything’ by Alanis Morisette:

You see everything, you see every part. You see all my life and you love my dark. You digg everything of which I am ashamed… and you’re still here.

God saw me. And he never left me. But more than that – He loved me and loves me – just as I was in that moment and just as I am. There is nothing I could do to change His love for me. I remember sitting in the hospital cafeteria one day listening to music and reflecting on that time in my life and just feeling God’s amazing love poured out upon me.

It is that love that has changed my life. It is that love that inspires me. It is that love that has brought me to the point of where I am. Believe me, I do not deserve this kind of love. But God loves me.

In God’s love, my salvation lies. Thanks be to God.

Advertisements
  1. No comments yet.
  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: