Home > Lessons in School, Lessons in Serving, Theological Reflections, Uncategorized > To be humble enough to let God work

To be humble enough to let God work

I am proud and stubborn.

Two qualities that probably make my life much harder at the end of the day. But both of these qualities are being challenged in new ways.

I have embarked on this new journey… things, as I’ve mentioned before, are falling into place. It’s amazing how God works and how he times everything so perfectly. If I hadn’t been procrastinating last week, I wouldn’t be in school right now and thus I wouldn’t be able to take courses this coming fall – at just the right moment, I discovered that the psychology program had changed in 10 years and that I need to retake my intro to psychology course. Had it been a week later, it would have been too late to get my ducks in a row.

Thanks to church politics and the disintegrating relationship between the church and our community, we are all rendered homeless in a couple of months. Having seen God’s faithfulness in providing over these past few years, I am not all that worried about housing. I can sleep in a tent or on a couch if I need to 😛 But alas, another variable in the unknown future weighs on me.

But most concerning at this point is finances. It looks like I will have enough to live on… food, rent, daily needs… for the coming year. And I praise God for that! I am truly blessed to be able to know that I will have shelter and food and clothing. I know many people who are homeless, or near homeless, who can’t for whatever reason make ends meet. But then there is tuition and books… not to mention the increasing unexpected costs that I hadn’t accounted for…I have found myself brought to my knees a few times just saying to God “please help”.

But as I say, I am stubborn and I am proud.

I recently came up with the bright idea of babysitting to offset tuition costs until I find a job. That seemed great, until friends wrote me and said that they would like to take me up on their offer – to which I told all of them that I can’t accept money from them but would babysit for them anytime for free! The entrepeneur in me thinks up great ideas, but the pride in me prevents such ideas to come into fruition. Part of it has to do with how I’ve always thought of babysitting – it has always been a ministry in my mind, and from a young age I would babysit for parents who couldn’t afford to hire a sitter so that they could go to Bible study. Only once have I made an exchange of babysitting services for money and honestly, that was only when my total ‘income’ was less than my rent!

But pride still has a stronghold on me no matter how hard I try to explain my efforts to distract from reaching financial goals. The other day, I refused a good friend’s offer to buy my drink – totally and utterly because of pride. My drink was all of $1 – both he and I could afford the splurge – but my refusal was more of a statement of stubbornness and pride than anything else. We even joked about my stubbornness, noting that in 8 years, this has seldom wavered.

But my expenses are increasing. And, funny enough, my bank account does not reproduce on its own.

I got an email from someone who wants to contribute to my tuition. I cried when I received that email. I cried because someone saw my need. But more – because *I* saw my need and I saw it clearly. And I saw my stubborn, proud self getting its back up. I saw that I cannot reach these goals alone. Money does not grow on trees. And I saw clearly that I need to learn humility. I claim to trust God with my needs for he always provides, and then I refuse ways in which he seems to provide.

I saw in a new way that I need to totally rely on God and that my stubborn and prideful self is getting in the way of that. I need to have the humility to let God work and let God answer my prayers and provide. This of course doesn’t mean I sit and do nothing and become a leech. But, maybe in a time of need, my job is to humbly accept and to honour those who love me by doing the very best I can at my studies. I need to have the humility to just be grateful.

I was talking with my psychiatrist today about how HARD this is for me. And he said that he has every confidence that I will put the love and care that God and people have poured into me over the past eight years into loving and serving others. And that maybe one day, I will have the financial resources to see others to their goals and to reach their potential. He said that maybe instead of stubbornly wanting to do it myself, maybe I could see others helping me as paying it forward – to investing in people around me.

And maybe, I can rest more and be at complete peace in fully trusting a God who provides and works in mysterious ways rather than fighting him and stubbornly insisting on MY way all the time.

And maybe, instead of worrying, I can focus more on the studies that will prepare me for a future of walking with people in their darkest moments and a future that enables me to give of my whole self – my gifts, my time, my money – more freely.

And maybe, in giving up my stubbornness and pride, I may have more energy to love and serve freely.

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