Any day now

I am in deep thought today. I’ve had a few people say to me that I have a lot on my plate. On a day to day basis, I don’t really think about this. I think much of life is like this actually — you just keep moving on, moving forward doing the best that you can. The rhythm of school sort of forces you to do this. You get one paper done, and one exam under your belt, and there is another one around the corner. And you keep moving forward because if you don’t, you will get behind.

I’ve been living in chaos for the past month or so. I can’t even begin to tell you how sick of dust, boxes and disorganization I am! I’m determined to get my room organized and take anything that doesn’t find a home to the dump.

That was going well until I stumbled across some my writings that speak to my deepest fears. They were written in the months after my grandmother’s death – something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I don’t talk much of that whole event but I was not supposed to know she was dying. I was not considered “family” at the funeral. I was reminded of a conversation with my brother later on and his response was “well, you’re not family any more”.

I worry about my grandpa and my heartaches in knowing that anything i find out will be second hand, and that, unless a miracle happens, events will play out in a similar way as my grandmother.

I reread my words that were dealing with the agony that was ripping my heart apart at the time. And for the first time in a long time felt the pain and injustice of the whole situation and feel it with the core of my being.

These written words I found keep stories that I had forgotten. Like the night my stepfather asked if he were 20 years younger if I would marry him. I was 13 or 14.

Today I am acutely reminded of everything.

Maybe because lately I have had this notion of “any day now” hanging over my head. It’s been 3 months since the appeal. A decision may still take many months. But I was told not to expect anything for 3 months. Any day now I will receive notice that tomorrow a decision will be given.

Any day now.

In the midst of the tears and pain, I found words in my writings that give a glimmer of hope. I was writing about my grandmother’s funeral. A lot of painful things happened – things that would have taken premeditated plans, because those things could not have happened just on the spur of the moment. And I wrote “The day you set aside to hurt me – your plotting and scheming could not stop God. The most powerful and beautiful moment of my life was when Grandpa ran to me”

I remember that moment well too. For me, that moment lasted an eternity although realistically it was probably minutes. The air in that room was so thick that I don’t think any knife could have cut through it. But as I entered a room in which I was not welcome, Grandpa came over to me and hugged me. Such a powerful moment in my life and a moment I will not forget.

People can plot and scheme. But God is bigger than their plot and scheming.

Faith doesn’t always make sense to me. In fact, it’s usually quite the opposite. But it is moments like this that keep me stubborn in hanging on to God in the midst of the absurdity – for there is strength in the absurd.

The beginning of my writings that I was reading quotes a poem by one of my favourite poets Anne Sexton:

Dearest Dealer,

I with my royal straight flush,

love you so much for your wild card,

that untamable, eternal, gut-driven ha-ha

and lucky love

I think this sums up the life of faith. God always has some wild card to throw into the mix.

And so as I live in the “any day now”, I will remember my dearest Dealer and the wild cards such as my grandfather’s love for me. I will relish in that untamable, eternal gut-drive ha-ha that life with God produces.

And as I wait for the “any day now”, I will remember how in my darkest and most painful moments, God not only was there but showered beauty and love that is more powerful than any wound.

And more – as I wait for the “any day now”, I will wait to see God work in ways that I do not yet know.

  1. Barb
    October 4, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    Hang I there. Wish I could make it easier for you but we know that God is in control of your life and has His arms around you.

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