Home > Healing Journey, Musical Reflections > Broken Wing’s Don’t always heal to fly

Broken Wing’s Don’t always heal to fly

I’m not very strong when it comes to this

Deep in my heart I know its come

I guess I’d rather wait till the morning

Hoping that it would bring a brighter sun

Time has had a chance to do good healing

I must take these pieces as they lie

Offer them to You in my sadness

I guess broken wings don’t always heal to fly

And I need You – more than I ever did before

How I need to hear Your voice

And I will, if I will listen to the lesson that You’re whispering

Life is a painful journey

And You knew, so you took it for me long ago

– Martyn Joseph

Today, I was asked by my therapist how I am doing with everything. My answer was school is holding me together and I fear that it is too tenuous a thing. In many ways, I am thriving – I got 88% on my social psychology midterm and 93% on my community paper (see earlier post on the disempowerment of communities as I discussed Kim Rivera’s situation in light of course readings). I am pouring all I have into school and while some days it doesn’t seem like it is enough, the results speak otherwise. And indeed, I love my studies.

I’ve always felt that the healing journey is more like an onion than a linear series of events – you keep peeling away layers and some sting and stink more than others. But I thought I had gotten to the bottom and learned how to use the onions to make life flavourful and wonderful. And realistically, marks that point me in the direction of a 4.0 gpa while I’m working 2 jobs speaks to some stability that I haven’t achieved before. (Or perhaps they speak to greater insanity, but I like the other option better).

I’ve been having trouble accepting some of the realities I am now facing – that there are still more layers of the onion. Stuff is coming up for me in really fierce ways and I keep shoving it down because I don’t have time to deal with this – I have a gpa and two jobs that need to hold up or my future is screwed up. Again. I’ve started and stopped so many times that I’m sick of this pattern and doing absolutely everything I can to succeed. But I cannot control the memories, the nightmares, and the feelings come with them. I have a neuroscience exam on Tuesday with about 500 terms and despite my sudden appreciation for multiple choice exams as I prepared for this exam, I found out this week that it will be fill in the blanks, definitions and essays. Needless to say, I need to cram my brain with material and not let the stuff that is coming up for me take priority.

Today, yet once again, I am faced with the damage of years of sexual abuse. I talked about things I talk to no one about and the horror of my story is hard to deny or even ignore right now. And I am breaking inside partly because I simply don’t want to struggle anymore. I want to be healed. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to fly.

But maybe broken wings will never fly again. Maybe I am longing for something that will never be mine instead of hearing what God wants right now with my life as it is and not how I want it to be. Maybe I need to figure out new ways of being.

The simple song of Martyn Joseph – which I encourage you to listen to (it’s on grooveshark) – is my prayer today. I must offer the pieces of my shattered being to the One who loves me more than anyone could possibly offer me.

Maybe these broken wings will be used in some other way other than flying.

How I need to hear God’s voice and listen to the lessons that He is whispering as I offer these broken wings in the deep sadness I feel today.

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  1. October 13, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    what a great poem. thanks for sharing.
    i think God likes broken wings. because when they fly it is clearly Him that causes it to be possible.
    your willingness to offer your brokenness is encouraging to me.

  2. devastatingsorrow
    October 14, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    I commend you for your strength in surviving and pushing forward. This is no easy task given your struggles, so allow yourself to be proud of yourself and smile today.

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