Trying to be God

I have a confession to make.

Sometimes, I think I am God.

Now before you suggest that I am suffering from delusions of grandeur, hang on for a moment while I explain. I think this struggle is a common struggle for those of fallen nature – indeed, wasn’t the “first sin” by Adam and Eve not that they ate a rotten apple, but that they wanted to be like God and have their eyes open to both good and evil just like God? I can just hear the evil one right now going “You know, the only reason why God doesn’t want you to eat the fruit is that then you would become like him and God just can’t handle that. He doesn’t care about you – he just wants to keep you in the dark when really, you could be just like him.”

I fall prey to this temptation. I can think that God doesn’t really know me, doesn’t know what I need, and that I know way better. But I am realizing that it is deeper – sometimes I think I can replace God and do what only he can do.

God has given me a heart for people and that has been affirmed by Christians and nonChristians so many times that I cannot deny it. Believe me – I’ve tried to. I told my housemate that I want to go into data entry – we both agreed that not only would that be incredibly boring but that I would also completely hate it. My passion is to walk with people who are broken and vulnerable and to be a part of their stories. Any other hat does not fit. There’s no way around it – God has given me a gift and designed me to be fulfilled when I use this gift.

But there is a downside and a temptation – a perversion of this good gift, if you will.

I remember a few months ago, I heard a person’s story and my heart completely broke at the pain and brokenness. And tears formed in my eyes any time I thought of this person’s words – “I’ve never experienced the love or presence of God in my life”

And somehow, I thought I could make this happen. That I could show the unconditional love that this person longed so desperately for. I thought I could heal this person. I thought I could make a difference in this person’s life.

And who knows how God will use me – but my point is I put all the emphasis on myself – that I can do what only God can do for this person.

And the past few days, I have been faced with my utter and complete humanity and I am humbled.

Lord – have mercy – a broken and contrite heart O God you will not despise.

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