The past few weeks I have been brought to my knees over and over.

I remember going on a retreat with the youth when I worked for another church. I described my horrible camping experience a little in another post. This was a weekend I dreaded. Because I had to somehow be strong during a weekend that I knew would be full of triggers. I found myself over and over questioning God, questioning his role in my life and my suffering and why the heck I’ve been through what I have and lost all that I have.

I sat on the rocks and looked out at the lake. The lake was huge. I could not see past the horizon.

I felt God quietly saying to me, “Elizabeth, you cannot see beyond the horizon of this one lake… how can you see my plans for your future?”

I’ve been reminded of that moment a lot lately. And reminded of another passage in Isaiah:

‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but I will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.’

Over and over I am seeing how God has had is hand all over my life. He has been intimately involved even in moments that i thought he had left me alone. God orchestrates my life and redeems the difficult things and even my bad choices to turn it into a beautiful song that brings honour and praise to him.

I’m in a strange place of discernment right now. I’ve never enjoyed periods of discernment. I like clear answers and clear roads. Yesterday, I was fretting and worrying about my future. Today, all that fretting and worrying seems futile, even funny – for all God asks of me is to follow him. And over and over he has shown me that he really does know me inside and out, and that he really does go before me and with me. I have a course load this term that is not representative of a science student at all – I cannot get into any science courses. Only theology and church history courses. It’s not what I expected would be on my plate – but I need to trust that God has this too in the palms of his hands.

I am learning to surrender. It’s not easy for someone like me who wants to be independent and who is known for her stubbornness. But one by one, the stubborn parts of me are being broken down and I find myself letting go of me – of my will, my hopes, and my dreams and saying be it unto me.

Today I heard a song that I haven’t heard in ages by David Crowder. It is my prayer today. and tomorrow. I imagine I will have to keep saying these words over and over because it is so easy to forget to surrender and God knows how much I kick and scream when I do not understand his ways. But today, I offer them earnestly.

Take my heart, I lay it down/ At the feet of you who’s crowned/ Take my life, I’m letting go/ Lifted up to you who’s throned.

And I will worship you Lord, only you Lord. And I will bow down for you, only you Lord.

Take my fret, take my fear/ All I have, I’m leaving here/ Be all my hopes, be all my dreams/ You are my delight, my everything.

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