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Brave

I heard a song tonight by Kimya Dawson that spoke to where I am at.

Sometimes it seems like I’ve got all the answers.

But the answers aren’t the same when the questions keep on changing.

[…]

I’m trying to be brave cause when I’m brave other people feel brave

But I feel like my heart is caving in.

A common statement I hear frequently these days goes something like this: “I don’t know how you do it!” My standard response is to laugh and say “A lot of caffeine and a lot of prayer”.

Truth be told – I don’t know how I do it. I do not know if I even do it.

It’s past midnight. I have a report/annotated bibliography and presentation tomorrow on liturgical practices in the Qumran community.

Is it done?

No.

Will it be?

I don’t know.

Am I holding it together?

I don’t know.

A huge answer to prayer reminded me that God is at work even when I am busy. I had someone agree to be a subletter in my apartment. It meant spending a couple of days there getting my room in order to show it. I’ve tried to refrain from speaking of this situation on here, but I am deeply saddened, hurt and frustrated at ‘community’ going so badly. It has been a huge stressor this term that has taken it’s tole on me in every aspect. And while I am thankful to have a subletter, my body is not happy with the hours spent in an environment that seems to upset all my inner workings.

I have so much school work to do. Next week is Holy Week and I value walking it in the liturgical tradition which is quite rich. But realistically, I think I may be writing papers and recovering from a cold. And then I move. Officially.

Am I brave?

I try to be. for others. for me even.

Do I feel brave?

No. I feel my heart caving in.

Will it be ok?

yes.

How?

I don’t know, other than God is here.

I take heart in today’s meditation from the Celtic Daily Prayer:

Even though the day be laden
and my task dreary
and my strength small,
a song keeps singing
in my heart.
For I know that I am Thine.
I am part of Thee.
Thou art kin to me,
and all my times
are in Thy hand.
Alistair Maclean

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