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Stepping stones


My mother very prophetically claimed that my biggest problem in life is that I have too many interests. It is a blessing and a curse – for I have many gifts and many passions, but all too frequently find myself at the uncomfortable place of unknowing.

Or rather, feeling totally lost.

Yesterday, I had ample time to think of my future. I am doing reading these days on topics related to the summer program we are launching, with my most recent book on evangelism (awesome book and worthy of a whole post when I am finished). I’m also doing some reading on new monasticism. The wheels in my head are turning – there is so much that *I* can do and there is so much that needs to be done.

Typically, that is energizing. The possibilities are exciting.

But yesterday, I sat in the living room of the family whose boy I look after with almost tears in my eyes because I felt totally lost. I have too many interests. There are too many things that could be done and could be done by yours truly. I’m single, and therefore the sole breadwinner, and as much as I enjoy volunteering my time away bills need to be paid. I had a painful reminder of that yesterday too which might have added to my melancholic state.

In my panicked state, the continuous refrain flowing through my mind was “Trust God.”

Trust God? For those who have journeyed with me, trust has been a huge issue. Trust in a God who has allowed me to go through horrible things is frightening at times. Yes, I know that I’ve written many times about how wonderful it is that God can orchestrate beauty out of ugly things, chaos out of disorder, healing out of pain. But I’m kinda done with the experiencing ugly, disorder, and painful things in my opinion and think that God needs to come up with a new way to teach me.

Trust God with your life, devote your entire life to God, and you can be in for anything. As I read the lives of the saints, they most certainly didn’t have it easy. Trusting in God does not promise a comfortable life. A joyful life perhaps. But last night, I was wanting comfort.

Today I was reminded of a thought I’ve expressed before. Looking back over my life, I am thankful that God didn’t tell me all that I would go through up front. I would have run the other way. I think he gives us enough direction to keep us moving forward. And we take little steps – like steps on stepping stones – on the path he has marked for us. Sometimes we slip, for stepping stones often are slippery or mossy. But God helps us back up and we keep going.

I have an interview booked for graduate school. That is the next stepping stone. Not sure what happens after that interview. But today I feel ok about that. Cause God will show me in his timing – which is always perfect even if I don’t agree with it – and he will show me what to do next, in ways that I can handle.

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