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I’ll never know

I have to do some writing about my life. Don’t bother asking what it’s for – it’s not that important. I only mention it to say that today I’ve been revisiting court documents which of course hold records of some of the most painful details of my life. Let’s just say – this sucks. But it needs to be done. I asked some close friends to pray for me as I dive into this material once again and start filling out the paper work. Well, after filling out the paper work as much as I can and writing two paragraphs of a summary, I was more than ready for a break.

Decided to go for a walk. I can walk pretty fast when I am determined and frustrated and angry. even on the slippery sidewalks. I wasn’t really all that aware of anything but my own frustration and God who walks beside me. I got thinking about the details of my life – details that very few know. And found myself wondering yet again – why do I have this story???? Why couldn’t I have been given another story to tell of God working in me – why one with so much suffering and loss?

My siblings came to mind, picturing them shaking their head as I rehearsed in my mind the three reasons I went through with a statement. For their protection. I remember too well when that was read out at the appeal and four of my siblings shook their heads in disbelief.

They do not know what they have been saved from. They do not know the pain I have been through. They have been spared – of how much, I may never know – but definitely, they have been spared of the full depth of pain I have endured. I am thankful. But I may never hear gratitude from them. And why would they – they have no idea the cost I have borne to keep them free of the pain I know.

Longing for comfort, and admittedly quite angry at God, i shouted in my mind to Him. God – you don’t get it. you don’t understand. You gave me a task that cost me a great deal including the ones whom I have tried to protect. And guess what? They’ll never know! They’ll never know the cost. They will never know the price I have paid for their sake.

I didn’t think God would have a real answer to my angry cry. So I kept walking. Frustrated, hurt, angry.

On my way back from the store, I found myself humming a praise and worship song. Couldn’t think of the name or even the words, but it’s a pretty tune. So I kept humming.

And then the words came.

I’ll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross.

(Here I am to Worship)

In that moment, I felt God say to me that actually he does understand. More than I’ll ever know.

every once in awhile I get a glimpse of how my suffering teaches me about God and Christ. Not just about his unfailing love or grace or whathaveyou. But it is a glimpse into the heart and mind of God. For I now know pain endured for the sake of another, a cost that the other will never know, never fully understand.

But then – I’ll never know what it felt to look upon your son, your only son, who died so that a broken and sinful humanity might life. I’ll never know the cost of my freedom.

Tonight though, I caught a glimpse. From the God who understands my pain from a depth I’ll never comprehend.

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  1. January 12, 2014 at 11:39 pm

    You know in your heart you did the right thing, what needed to be done. But sometimes being a warrior against the world sucks, right? Keep it up girl ;). Hugs to you.

  2. John Sullivan
    January 13, 2014 at 6:56 am

    And there are many Christians in the world who sing with great piety “But when I think that God, his Son not sparing, sent him to die, I scarce can take it in, that on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, he bled and died to take away my sin. Then sings my soul, my Saviour God, to thee, How great thou art!” I don’t believe it.

    But I can believe that Jesus was willing to stand for the truth and suffer because of it, just as you have Elizabeth, and so when it comes to the Atonement, I have to stand with Abelard and not with Augustine. A God of Love wins in the end, not an angry God who had to be placated by the death of an only Son.

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