Home > Healing Journey, Lessons in School > Resounding Chorus of my Life

Resounding Chorus of my Life

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Today’s been one of those days.

I awoke way too early to call it a good night’s sleep thanks to the blaring sound of my alarm clock. My head has been hurting almost constantly for a few days now and this morning, my head was rather noisy in letting me know that it exists. I’ve been trying to pretend that everything is fine though and I was prepared to go to class. Until I stood up and realized how dizzy I was. I also was experiencing new symptoms – numbness and tingling, both very strange experiences to have. The combination led me to opt into staying home for self care rather than go to my class about self care. Problem is – I’ve missed a few too many of this class and I’m faced with the reality that I might have to drop it as it’s not the type of class I can complete in the comfort of my home.

I visited my GP even though I felt like a total hypochondriac – I think I’ve been in her office more over the past month than in the whole time I’ve known her! She was wonderful though and there isn’t really much I can do until I see the specialists in a few weeks. Thankfully, there are no huge warning signs that the hydrocephalus is getting worse or causing further complications. As for the tingling – it could be neurological, it could be nothing  – or anxiety is enough to throw things off kilter.

“You have a lot going on.”

I left the office relieved about nothing urgent going on. Yet, I am frustrated at what I have called the resounding chorus of my life: “You have a lot going on.” I think chaos is merely a part of my life and I almost welcome it at times as it is a known entity. But it is frustrating to hear those six words –  especially in a time when I have intentionally pulled back from commitments in order to simplify and de-stress so that I can focus on studies.

This evening I found everything possible to avoid the paper that I am supposed to be writing. Went walking with a friend, went grocery shopping, played the guitar, cooked dinner, hung out with my housemates. I have tried to pick up the guitar a few times in my life, but for the past couple of weeks I have been regularly practicing and can now play and sing songs with some ease. I sang evening prayer and some praise and worship songs.

As I was playing, I was reminded of how much I am enjoying learning to play the guitar. It is still so new to me that it requires all of my concentration. For a moment, all the noise and pain in my head seems to quiet down long enough for me to make a beautiful sound from six strings. I reflected on the martyrdom of Perpetua (topic of my paper) and how God reminded her of her presence in multiple ways – through visions, prayer and deep physical sensations. As I played the guitar, I began to wonder if there is another ‘chorus’ in my life on repeat beyond “You have a lot going on”

Yes…

… I am loved.

… God is before, behind, beside and inside me

… God will provide for my needs

… God has and will continue to use me, my story, my gifts for his glory

Perhaps, I will be able to let these statements drown out and replace the noise of having a chaotic life.

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  1. john sullivan
    October 9, 2014 at 6:36 am

    Wow no wonder you are concerned Elizabeth. I had no idea. My thoughts and prayers surround you.

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